


Progressive Care

by sleepysweaters



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anger Management, Bipolar Disorder, Biting, Confessions, Cussing, Depression, Getting Help, Lovesickness, M/M, Panic Attacks, Recovery, Self-Denial, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, can i say this again, connor is focal point, it's going to be how it feels to be in a mental hospital, literally it's connor in a mental hospital, other characters are in it but like not their pov, this isn't going to be some sunshine fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-06 01:48:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11590476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepysweaters/pseuds/sleepysweaters
Summary: Connor winds up in New Point Campus Behavioral Health Unit after trying to kill himself.He makes a lot of discoveries, from things he hates to things he's been missing.  He's missed laughing, smiling, getting better, and Evan.So after a shitty day, Evan comes for visitation, and Connor couldn't be happier.





	Progressive Care

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to sound rude, but this isn't some like "omg he's in the hospital, he's better!" kind of fic  
> I was in a behavioral unit after trying to kill myself, and I honest to god didn't feel better until the day before I left. I'm going to do this based off my experiences, because I am literally a mixture of Connor and Evan.  
> The media doesn't really show how it feels to be trying to get better, besides It's Kind of a Funny Story - Ned Vinizzi  
> Just a warning before you read this.

Connor knew that no one thinks that behavioral centers are super fun, but he wasn’t expecting this shit. The people here were fucking insane. He knew he was ‘crazy’, but they took it to another level.

Schedules of their days were on the wall, and patients wouldn’t stop fucking looking at it. Sure, he wanted to see it too, but he didn’t want to be annoying like everyone else. Group sessions were his nightmare since everyone had to open up at some point in time. He wasn’t ready for his turn.

The boy he shared a room with was annoying. Taylor was a lanky white kid with short blonde hair, and the complete opposite of Connor. The blonde never shut the hell up, and flirted with every girl in the ward. Then you had the brunette, spoke respectively, never made anyone uncomfortable, and wasn’t annoying.

“Connor, where were you again? I woke up and you weren’t in the room,” Taylor said and Connor had to take a moment to control his anger. His roommate snored so loud that Connor ended up going to the isolation room every night.

“Well, maybe if you could stop snoring, I’d be there in the morning,” Connor said before walking over to some of the people he considered his friends here.

Honestly, all of it fucking sucked. He just kept his cool since Evan came and visited him every visitation day. The two had spoken to each other in junior English a couple times, but their friendship didn’t truly start until Connor found the blonde on the ground in the park.

Connor knew he didn’t just fall out of a tree, but he didn’t say anything about it. He signed the cast, and gave the blonde his number. Evan would awkwardly ask him to hang out, and the brunette started having a schedule for weed so he’d be sober when he was with the other boy.

This lead to the first day of school, and his suicide attempt. He had somehow convinced Evan to sell him his depression medication, and he took them. Of course Evan found him though, he kind of always found him in a way.

So he landed here, New Point Campus Behavioral Health Unit. The only downside to the whole ordeal was that only his mother and Evan came to visit him. He didn’t care that Larry didn’t want to see him, because he didn’t want to see that man anyways.

All he wanted was for Zoe to come and see him once. He was trying to get better and, finally on some medication, could see his mistakes. 

Evan made the comment that she’s just not ready, and the brunette knew that the two blondes were dating now. Of course they would be dating, he was finally out of the picture. Zoe loved the fact that he was gone, because now she could take the one thing Connor truly loved; Evan.

“Hey, how’s it going?” Michael asked and Connor yawned. Everyone knew he wasn’t sleeping due to being in the isolation room. “Shit, me too.”

“Maybe you should request to change roommates?” Brandon asked, Connor shrugged before plopping down on the light blue couch. He noticed that Jennifer had turned on the Latino channel, she did this every morning since she missed her family so much.

“I’ve heard he’s leaving soon,” Amanda said as she watched the TV. Only three people in the ward were fluent in Spanish, and they typically loved the Spanish channel.

“What are they saying, Manda?” Allison asked and everyone jumped at the sound of the 35 year old woman’s voice.

“Well, they’re talking about a traffic jam and apparently there was a break in somewhere,” Amanda explained, trying to listen closely to the TV. She would say she didn’t look pretty, but Connor would disagree since she had an innocence about her.

Her chestnut skin was accompanied with black braided hair since she didn’t want her natural hair to suffer from the shitty hygiene products here. Connor would say her eyes were a caramel color filled with light, but she would disagree. 

Amanda was his favorite person here, she was someone that you truly wondered why she would be here until she opened up. It wasn’t that she was energetic and full of life, but more that she was picked first for activities and smiled more than she frowned.

He knew that he was the opposite. Smiling wasn’t something he did often, but it was starting to happen more and more. Especially when Michael and Amanda started arguing over stupid things. They were both way too rational, but in different ways.

“Guys, breakfast is in five minutes. I still need to get some of your blood pressures,” Monica, a tech, informed everyone. Connor sat down in the chair meant for blood pressure, earning a smile from a auburn haired woman. “How are you today?”

“I’m okay, I guess. I’m just so exhausted,” Connor said and Monica was the first person that he was open to in this place. “I’m just happy that Evan is coming tomorrow. I miss him a lot,” Connor said and Monica smiled at him with a bright smile.

“He sure is a cutie, or that’s what I’ve seen when I’ve been there,” she said and Connor nodded while sighing.

“The only problem is he has a thing for Zoe.”

“Your sister?” Connor nodded and Monica gave him a sad smile. “He’ll come around. We all know how amazing you are, and if he’s coming to visit; he knows it too.

“Thanks, Monica, that means a lot,” Connor said before getting up. If Monica was a therapist, then he would be at her office every single week on time. She was so caring, sweet, and actually understood how people felt.

“Connor, hurry up, we don’t want to wait on your ass,” Michael said and Amanda hit him.

“Shut up, Michael, we’ll wait as long as we need to.”

“Sorry, Miss Perfect, I’m fucking hungry,” Michael snapped, and everyone knew to back away from the small boy. His temper wasn’t easy to control, and when people took a step back; so did he.

“Let’s get going,” Connor said before hurrying into the hall to get the tension out of everyone’s systems. A month ago, he would’ve snapped along with Michael, but now he was learning to cope.

Maybe this place wasn’t so shitty after all.

\-----

“Connor, what do you plan on doing today?” Opal asked him, he was sitting at the recs art table uncomfortably. He hated coming to activities, but only because everyone got so noisy.

“I think I may paint today,” he suggested, as if it would actually get the old therapist off his back. She smiled at him before getting him the kids’ water color pallets and some paper.

He wasn’t sure what to paint, so he just started off with green. Connor wasn’t really focusing on the painting, but focused on favorite memories.

Evan was sitting on Connor’s grey comforter, smiling over at him. He brought him a bonsai tree for his room, and the blonde boy had placed it on the cluttered desk. No words were exchanged, just comfortable silence allowing them to breathe.

It was Evan’s first ever Murphy family dinner, and it ended with the blonde having an anxiety attack in the bathroom. All the poor kid wanted to do was bring the tree and go to McDonalds.

“Why are you smiling so big, Connor?” Amanda asked, she was leaning over looking at the painting. She assumed it was making him happy.

“Oh, it’s nothing,” he said before noticing that he had painted the same bonsai tree on a wooden desk. Of course it would be a painting about Evan, it always was.

\------

Connor was sitting on his bed, writing a letter on the small side table that was bolted to the ground. Taylor left, so the brunette was finally sleeping. His head was clear, but was still foggy. It varied day to day, and today he was trying to fight off the foggy thoughts of death and self-harm.

He was getting better, and decided to try to fight it off by writing Evan a letter. The doctor told him that writing his feelings down could help him process emotions, so Connor started writing. He had written three letters at this point, all talking about different things.

Some spoke about the drama going on around the ward, Evan loved the drama way too much. He ate up the entire Taylor situation to a point that worried Connor. Then bringing up Michael to him was something else too. Evan saw Michael’s boyfriend waiting on the boy every time he came to visit, and it was a sad sight.

Jeremy, Connor told Evan the name, would always cry as he sat down and pull out a letter. Evan could see it was made out to the boy reading it, and then he’d wipe his tears right as Michael walked in. Both of them would look bright and happy just seeing each other. So, Evan was expecting an entire backstory, and Connor was keeping track of that for him.

Then some spoke about how dark Connor’s life truly was before coming here. How everything felt meaningless, and how people felt like phases. How Evan used to feel like a phase to him until the two officially became friends. Connor was used to losing people, and he assumed the blonde would be no different.

The final letter was a confession letter to Evan. The blonde was so dense, he never once caught on to Connor’s futile attempts in flirting. So, the last attempt of keeping off these foggy thoughts was to finally tell Evan how he felt.

Feelings didn’t make sense to Connor. Even when he was used to them, he just didn’t understand the purpose. Why are there so many emotions that have their own feelings? Why can’t people just feel neutral all the time? Being neutral wasn’t too exciting since all it held was anger, but Connor was used to outbursts. He just couldn’t understand why no one else understood where he was coming from for so long.

All the letters would be given to Evan, some earlier than others. The confession letter would be the first, so then Connor knew if the blonde would actually come back after that. It had almost been a month, and the doctors said he may be there for another month or two. So, if Evan wasn’t going to stay after this whole confession, then Connor knew he was a phase like he believed in the beginning.

_Dear Evan Hansen,  
I’m worried that you’re going to hate me. It terrifies the hell out of me, because you’re the first person to truly care about me. You’re probably freaking out, but don’t. I’m getting better, and my mind is finally clearing for the first time since freshman year._

_All my friends have been phases for as long as I could remember, and I’ve written a letter diving deeper into this. It’s just that the moment I was fully there for someone to see, they would dwindle away until there was someone new. I thought you’d be like that, sometimes I still worry about it._

_Maybe it’s the fact that people started being nice to me because they all thought I’d be a school shooter. Or maybe it’s just the fact that you’re such a kind person wanting to befriend the depressed stoner kid. I was always scared to open up to you, and here we are now; me finally opening up to you._

_I don’t remember the last time I could actually laugh freely without feeling judged. The people here may be crazy, but they’ve been encouraging me to do things I never thought I could. I never knew that I could have a real love for someone while in my state of mind, but after constant reassurance; I know I can._

_You’re the person that I love. Everyone in my unit knows I love you from how I act around you. I love you, Evan Hansen. This seems really out of character for my dark and fulfilled with angst appearance, but I’m finally in a better state of mind to realize it. I finally know that you’re not a phase, and you’re not going to dwindle away like everyone else._

_You’re always there for me, and I don’t know how you do it. I can barely be there for myself, due to my terrible mood swings, and I have to be there at all times regardless. You just amaze me in so many ways, but I don’t know if I can truly describe them through a letter. The only sad thing is that I don’t know if I can say these things aloud._

_Evan, your brightness blinds me, and it’s the only light in my life. You could tell me about saplings for six hours, and I’d still be in awe of you. I’d listen to every single word, and then I’d ask questions just so you can continue to be passionate. I love passion, and you offer so much of it._

_Do you know that you’re the first person I’ve properly hugged in years? I’ve missed it so much. Your arms wrapped around my waist, head under my chin, and warmth radiating between us is a dream come true. No one wanted to touch me, but you did. You’d cuddle into my chest whenever I was having a panic attack._

_I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve you. I’m just a mess of a person who only got help because someone else reached out for me. I’m just a shitty person, my own sister won’t even come see me due to it. Just love her right, okay? I want her happy if I can’t be._

_I know you love Zoe, hell I think we all know. Part of me wants to be selfish and tell you to choose me, but I know you won’t. You’ve loved her for so long that I don’t know if you can’t love her anymore. I guess it’s okay, I mean I’m used to not getting things._

_God, I miss you and I saw you three days ago. I miss you so much, because when you’re here you like to make assumptions about everyone. My favorite is the one about Allison, and how her fiancé is cheating on her, but she refuses to see it._

_I just miss you so much, and maybe it’s the whole love thing? I’m still getting used to feeling emotions again, so please don’t hold anything against me if I mess up at first._

_I wish you loved me like I love you. I may wish for a lot of things, but they mean nothing to me when I’m around you. I just wish for you, and I know it’s going to freak you out; so I’m sorry._  
Sincerely,  
Connor Murphy. __

__\-------_ _

__It was Tuesday, aka visitation day, and everyone was going fucking crazy in the progressive care unit. Allison was bitching over her fiancé again, while Tracy kept talking about her friend coming, and Michael wouldn’t shut up about his boyfriend._ _

__All Connor wanted was sleep, but of course everyone was awake at eight in the fucking morning. Don’t forget to eat your shitty eggs and bacon. The thought of food made Connor’s stomach upset. His nerves were already on edge due to Evan coming today, but the disgusting food made it worse. Was today going to be a good day? No one knew._ _

__So the brunette rolled out of bed, got his blood pressure taken, then headed down to the cafeteria. Black coffee and grapes were going to be his breakfast, and he was excited about the coffee portion of the meal. The bitter coffee had been the only thing truly keeping him sane in this place._ _

__He sat next to Michael, who was chatting happily with everyone. Sometimes the brunette hated how social the kid next to him was, but it was beneficial so then he didn’t have to speak. It’s not that Connor hates everyone on the ward, it’s just he’s heard some pretty wild stories._ _

__“Is there going to be a group after this?” Veronica asked and Michael groaned. That’s how everyone felt during group, irritated._ _

__“Yep, you guys have group right after hygiene time,” Sasha, a tech, said as she walked around seeing how much everyone had eaten._ _

__“Sasha, you know how you’re my favorite girl ever, right?” Connor said with a flirty attitude, only to receive a laugh from the 18 year old girl._ _

__“Connor, we all know you’re gay and that you can’t get out of group,” she stated before walking over to the other table of people from their unit._ _

__“Dude, we all know you like that short blonde kid that comes and visits you,” Michael said as he shoved some biscuits in his mouth. Connor was disgusted at the sight of the Latino boy eating messily, but he tried to not think about it._ _

__“I mean, yeah, but I’m pretty sure he’s dating my sister. Then again, I don’t know since I haven’t been home in a month,” Connor said with a shrug, and everyone at the table looked at him sadly._ _

__“This is almost as sad as when they looked up my hooch to see if I was carrying a knife in there,” Allison said and everyone scooted away from her. She was here so she didn’t have to be in prison, and boy was she weird._ _

__“Anyways, so you think he’s dating your sister?” Trinity, a short ginger girl, asked while tilting her head. Connor nodded, and Michael wrapped an arm around the taller boy’s shoulders._ _

__“What are you doing?”_ _

__“Connor, tonight is the night that we make blondie fall for you,” Michael said, using huge hand gestures and making the brunette feel anxious._ _

__“He’s fallen once, out of a tree,” the brunette said and Trinity started laughing._ _

__“God, that’s really fucking sad. You’re good at getting twinks I guess,” she said and Connor’s face grew into a deep red color._ _

__“My boyfriend is a twink too!” Michael exclaimed, and this is why Connor hated the people in his ward. They were too loud, and too personal for his own liking._ _

__\-----_ _

__“Let’s have a sharing group today,” Flynn, a young therapist, said and almost everyone groaned. All the therapists knew everyone hated group since it was hard to even open up to yourself. “Come on guys, it’s not that bad.”_ _

__“I’d rather have a panic attack,” Connor said and everyone laughed while agreeing. Self-deprecating jokes were popular here, but maybe that’s because everyone on this ward tried to kill themselves._ _

__“You seem rather vocal today, Con-man,” Flynn said, he had to use the stupid nickname. The therapist was well known for coming up with the dumbest nicknames, and no one could say no since the 25 year old had too much charm._ _

__“Uh, not really,” Connor said, he felt uncomfortable with everyone looking at him. Group was terrible because everyone stares and scans you like you’ve killed children or something._ _

__“Come on, no one has heard from you about how you’re feeling,” Flynn pushed, and Connor hated this. Why couldn’t Monica be here to tell this guy to stop? She’d save him._ _

__“I’m just getting feelings again after not having them for years. You know severe depression, weed, anxiety, and self-harm. All kind of make you numb after a while,” Connor said shyly, he hated attention like this. He hated talking about things like this._ _

__“Want to talk about it?”_ _

__“I mean, not really. Typically don’t.”_ _

__“Connor, you know that this is a place you can really speak, right?” Amanda asked, everyone looked over at her. She was giving the brunette a soft gaze, something he needed._ _

__“It’s just my parents don’t care about the things I have to say, because I’m just the fuck up. I’ve conditioned myself to not care, and to just be quiet,” Connor said before sobbing and putting his face in his hands._ _

__Michael rubbed the brunette’s back, and people were telling him that he could tell them everything he needed to. It was so much for Connor, because he’s only ever experienced this with Evan. He calmed down a little bit, wiping his eyes before looking at Flynn again._ _

__“My sister hates me, and I get why. I was abusive because she was loved more, and I hated it. I hate being nothing, and every day was another day where I screwed up. She can’t even come see me, and I can’t blame her.” His hands found their way to his neck, strangling himself before biting the knuckles. Blood was dripping everywhere, and he couldn’t breathe. Where could he go to breathe?_ _

__Connor got up, sobbing uncontrollably, and ran into the ward bathroom. The only way anyone got him out was by taking him to his room so he could lay down. Whenever he said he’d rather have a panic attack, he didn’t really mean it._ _

__Everyone finally realized why Connor never shared anything about himself, he was too unstable to even admit to himself._ _

__\----_ _

__Connor slept until lunch, and he sleepily got up and walked into the common room. Amanda was the first to approach him, not scared of what happened earlier. She gave him a hug, and he was slow to return it._ _

__“I’m sorry for pushing you,” she apologized, and he shook his head. It wasn’t her fault he was like this, not in the slightest._ _

__“Don’t worry, I’m the only one who pushed myself,” he said before patting her head and walking over to Michael. The other boy was trying to sweet talk Ashley into giving him his anxiety pills earlier than the time on the bottle._ _

__“I’m literally about to cry, and we don’t want to see that,” Michael said in a suave voice, making everyone roll their eyes._ _

__“After dinner,” Ashley said, typing away at her computer, not even bothering to look up._ _

__“What if I can’t last?”_ _

__“Then we’ll take you from dinner and bring you here to calm you down,” she said and Michael huffed like a four year old. He stomped over to Connor, who looked dead tired, and crossed his arms._ _

__“You know, all I want are my freaking meds, and getting them 20 minutes early will not kill me,” Michael whined as he threw his arms in the air with a big grand gesture. Connor laughed at the 17 year old, almost crying from how hard he was laughing. “What’s so funny?”_ _

__“It’s almost like you came over here to complain to me like I’m your dad. Who would’ve known Michael complains to his dad?” Connor asked, calming down and Michael had tears in his eyes._ _

__“I mean I would if I had one. The only dad I really have is Jeremy’s and I really do like talking to him,” Michael said, opening up to Connor. The brunette brought the smaller boy into a hug._ _

__“Dude, I will totally be your dad.”_ _

__“Connor, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Michael asked, but he melted into the hug. No one ever hugged Michael besides Jeremy and Christine._ _

__“This is not fair, Connor never hugs me!” Amanda exclaimed and suddenly there was a huge group hug of most of the patients. The warmth made Connor smile brightly._ _

__\-------_ _

__“Why do we have to have another group? Why can’t we just have nap time?” Julie whined, and everyone else was behind her on that idea. Nap time would be so beneficial to them since no one ever slept at night due to the cold temperature._ _

__“You get time to sleep at night,” Ashley said from the nurses’ station, causing everyone to roll their eyes. The nurses knew that none of them ever slept at night._ _

__“Tell Lolly to make it not so fucking cold at night, then we’ll talk,” Connor snapped and everyone cheered at the comment. Everyone hated the 50 year old woman who put the temperature down to 40 on her night shifts._ _

__“Connor, don’t be rude,” Monica warned and the brunette shrugged before sitting in a chair by the window. It was time to be melodramatic and look out the window as if he’s never seen the outside world before._ _

__He only did it for the effect, because they actually took them outside for an hour every day. Everyone requested a song, and would either sit at a table or lay in the grass. Connor typically did the latter option so then he could feel the sun on his face. It made him think of Evan._ _

__“So, we’re going to be talking about support groups today!” Donna exclaimed excitedly as she started handing out papers for everyone. She placed Connor’s paper on the table in front of him, and gave him a look of he had to participate today._ _

__Michael walked over and sat next to the brunette, carrying two tiny pens. They didn’t really constitute as pens, since it was only the ink plastic with bendy cover. The writing tool was about two inches long, and Connor hated using it._ _

__“Let’s talk about what support systems are. Anyone have an idea?” Donna asked and Amanda was the first to raise her hand._ _

__“We’re a support system,” Amanda answered with a tone of pride of being the first to answer. Donna shook her head, causing her falling out ginger hair to slink farther off her head._ _

__“Not outside of here you aren’t. You’re not supposed to contact each other for three months after you are discharged. It’s better to think of everyone here as a fleeting thought,” Donna explained and Connor slammed his hands on the table._ _

__“You know, we’re in here because we felt alone. We felt like no one would know if we fucking died, but you’re going to tell us that we can’t continue to be friends? Support systems at home don’t immediately change, so if we don’t have each other, then we’ll try to kill ourselves again. Does no one fucking get that?” Connor snapped and Donna looked taken aback._ _

__“It’s for your safety, we don’t want anyone being triggered into another–, “Connor cut her off by standing up and his chair flying behind him and hitting the wall._ _

__“For out safety? Donna, do you not realize that I literally had no one before I tried to kill myself? I haven’t felt this comfortable around anyone in years, and they are my friends. They’re not going to fade away, I refuse it to happen,” Connor yelled before crumbling to the ground crying._ _

__Today had been too rough on him, but at least Evan would be coming later. Maybe Evan could give him the biggest hug possible, and make Connor feel at home. He missed his home (Evan) so much, and he wanted to be back there._ _

__The group was called off after he crumbled to the ground. Donna went to her office, embarrassed by the fact that he called her out over a rule. Connor went grabbed his hygiene bucket, a towel, and headed to his room for a shower. He needed to shower before Evan came, so then the blonde couldn’t smell the anxiety of the brunette._ _

__Should Connor also change? There was a t-shirt Evan brought him, he hadn’t looked at it yet, but he imagined it was fine. So, he quickly went to shower and then went out into the room to grab some clothes. His black jeans, briefs, and a jacket were the first things he picked up._ _

__The shirt Evan had brought him was black with green tree patterns all over it. The brunette chuckled before grabbing it and going back into the bathroom._ _

__He really loved Evan Hansen._ _

__\--------_ _

__“Connor, you have a visitor!” Sasha exclaimed, everyone was always excited for the brunette whenever he had a visitor._ _

__Maybe it was due to him being so closed off, but after visitations he seemed happier. Or maybe it had to deal with the amount of breakdowns he has._ _

__Evan was waiting for him at a table, and perked up the moment he saw Connor. He smiled really big when he realized the shirt the brunette was wearing was one that Evan bought him. Connor knew how excited it would make the blonde boy, and that’s why he did it._ _

__Connor felt the letter burning his pocket, but wrapped his arms around the blonde. Evan gripped the black cardigan the brunette was wearing. They both sighed into each other, taking a moment to let anxiety flow out._ _

__“Hey,” Evan said, his face lit up with a smile. The two were sitting in the back of the cafeteria, and it gave the blonde full ability to judge others’ situations._ _

__“Hey, I’ve really missed you,” Connor said and Evan nodded. They both sucked with words when it came to speaking. Speaking wasn’t anyone’s strong suit anymore, unless you’re Michael Mell._ _

__“Okay, tell me some of the drama,” Evan said softly, and the brunette chuckled with a nod._ _

__“There’s a new guy, his name is Carter, and he’s been really nice to me? Like says my eyes are pretty like my hair, but does he not realize my hair is disgusting?” Connor asked, he looked genuinely confused until Evan huffed a little._ _

__“He’s flirting with you, just what the, I mean you are beautiful, but like, fuck,’ Evan muttered and Connor stared at him with curiosity._ _

__“What did you say?” Evan’s eyes went from the table to Connor in a spilt second. He looked flustered; red cheeks and trembling hands. “I seriously didn’t hear you.”_ _

__“I just asked if he was cute or not,” Evan lied and Connor shrugged before looking around. He saw Carter talking to a little girl and an older woman._ _

__“He’s right there,” Connor said as he discreetly pointed over to the auburn guy, and Evan almost choked on his spit._ _

__Carter was hot. He had the soccer boy haircut, nice bone structure, and auburn hair. The blonde was guessing the other guy was around 6” tall and was built._ _

__“You don’t know if he’s cute or not?” Evan asked, flabbergasted. Connor wondered if this was the perfect time to pull out the letter. Maybe then Evan would know that Connor didn’t look at other boys._ _

__He pulled it out of his pocket, and handed it to Evan. The blonde looked confused before opening the folded paper. His blue eyes started scanning the letter, and Connor felt like he needed to get up and run. Why had he thought this was going to be a good idea?_ _

__Evan’s face remained neutral the entire time (except for the occasional blush), before looking up at Connor in the end. He folded the letter, placed it on the table, and put his chin on his hands. The look on the blonde’s face was one of needing more explanation than just that._ _

__“So you’ve read the letter?” Connor asked awkwardly, he wasn’t good a confrontation at all. Why had he thought this was going to be a good idea?_ _

__“You, um, you? You love me?” Evan stuttered out, but it wasn’t in a nervous tone. The blonde was still processing it all, and Connor knew that._ _

__“Yeah, you know just like bro things, haha,” Connor said awkwardly only to earn a laugh from Evan. The blonde was laughing at him? Shit, abort mission, fucking shit._ _

__“I’m not dating Zoe. I don’t love her,” Evan stated and Connor’s breath was stuck in his throat. He wasn’t used to feeling all nervous like this._ _

__Honestly, Connor wasn’t used to feeling anything. This was all new to him, and he wasn’t sure if he enjoyed it or not. The last time he felt anything was freshman year. Short haired Connor smiled more, but still struggled with depression._ _

__“Well, I mean who said you were?” Connor asked, chuckling breathily, his face was turning pink from getting flustered. Why the hell was this happening to him?_ _

__Suddenly, Evan went from looking all stoic and carefree, to the anxious boy he truly is. His face turned pink, and he started to shake. His eyes were focused to the table, fingers tapping the wood, and he started chewing on his lip._ _

__“God, Connor, just like, like how, oh my god,” Evan stumbled out, planting his face into his hands as his face turned completely red. Connor shouldn’t have been admiring him in this moment, but he couldn’t help that the blonde was too cute for his own good._ _

__“I’ve never been this clear minded before,” the brunette whispered and Evan smiled into his hands. They both looked like flustered messes. “Have I weirded you out?”_ _

__Evan started to laugh, something that Connor hadn’t heard before. This started as giggles, moved to cackles, and then suddenly he was crying from laughter. The brunette had no clue what any of this meant, so he sat there quietly and waited._ _

__“Have you weirded me out? C-Connor, just, how, like, oh my god. Why am I so nervous?” Evan asked, wiping his eyes and stuttering his words._ _

__“Because you hate me. You think I’m a fucking freak,” Connor said, tears prickling his eyes. He hated emotions, he just wanted to go back to not feeling anything at all. He wanted to go back to the first day of school._ _

__“No, no, no, no, no,” Evan started, grabbing Connor’s hands. His voice was full of worry, and the brunette looked at the table. “I’m nervous because I love you too.”_ _

__Connor’s eyes flew open and he looked up at the blonde. The other boy looked super flustered, still holding onto his hands. Evan was staring out the window, looking at the rain falling steadily._ _

__“You love me?” Connor asked and Evan nodded. His eyes flickered over the brunette, only to retreat as fast as they looked over. “So, no Zoe?”_ _

__“Why are you obsessed with her? I just told you I love you,” Evan pouted and Connor just about melted at the sight of the pouting boy. Evan’s blue eyes were on the brunette, and his little pout reached his eyes._ _

__“You’ve been in love with her since freshman year, I just assumed that you still loved her.” Evan pressed Connor’s hands against his face, pressing a kiss on them. That seemed to be enough for Connor to know that Evan really did love him._ _

__“I promise you, I love you. I don’t have eyes for anyone else,” Evan said before leaning across the table to kiss Connor on the cheek._ _

__“So, we’re dating now?” Connor asked and Evan nodded, he looked like he was about to cry. Connor didn’t know if that was a good or bad sign._ _

__“I’m just so happy, oh my god. You’re getting better, and you love me. We’re really progressing forward, together,” Evan said with a soft smile and Connor nodded._ _

__Even though today had been completely shit, he still got to see Evan. Evan told him that he loves him, and then said they could date. It made up for everything else._ _

__Although Connor wasn’t getting help for Evan, but himself, he had another reason to fight more and more. Evan had been a reason, but now Connor felt like he was a hundred percent there for him. It made him stronger in a sense. It was nice to know that there was someone rooting you on from the sidelines, and maybe that’s what Donna had been saying._ _

__Honestly, Connor just hated Donna, so he’d rather choke than listen to her bitch about making friends with your family. She didn’t know the first thing about abusive families, and the brunette wasn’t going to let her try to tell him how to be their best friends._ _

__So, Connor started ranting about his day, and Evan listened intently to everything. Sometimes his thumb would caress the back of Connor’s hand, while other times Evan would kiss the brunette’s knuckles._ _

__They both felt safe here in this behavioral center cafeteria to be affectionate, which sounded pretty weird on its own._ _

**Author's Note:**

> another note (uncommon for me to do) is that I hope that people don't think I'm romanticizing mental illness at the end, because I'm not  
> literally, I'm still recovering, and just knowing that I have people to fight for means the world to me. When I had a partner, I fought for them on a different level because I loved them very deeply.  
> You guys are probably thinking "Remy, just the shut the fuck up now" but I'm just kind of passionate about this fic


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